Picking up the Cheques with Rex - Westside Burger Wars
Whether it’s the price of the patty, or the style of the surroundings, Rex and Jonah have some beef on the best basic burger spots in town.
Listen…I love a good gourmet bistro burger with an A5 wagyu patty, a healthy portion of expensive bleu cheese, some fresh arugula, grilled onions, and maybe some bacon and garlic jam, all on an artisanal bun. However, there are times when I find myself having an intense craving for a cheap and classic burger. There is a certain beauty in the simplicity of this kind of burger that can be underappreciated in this day and age, especially if you live in LA, as we seem to dwell in a sea of new and innovative restaurants that, whether justly or not, dissect classic dishes and turn them into something fancy.
What I wanted to find was the best classic burger available on the Westside, and to do this, I needed the help of a guy known for his love of burgers- Jonah Shapiro. Me and Jonah set out to get a lay of the land of the burger scene on the Westside. We asked around, researched, and went to four spots serving classic burgers. These were places that we believed to be important to the burger scene in LA, as well as good options for people seeking sustenance. We had a criteria: there had to be a window or a counter to order at, and the burgers had to be somewhat classic and not too inventive. Now, here's what went down and how we felt about each establishment.
Heavy Handed
Heavy Handed was my least favorite of the various burger establishments we visited. I did not like this place at all. There, I said it. First of all, it looked a little cartoonish and gimmicky. If I wanted to eat at a Simpsons-esque restaurant, which I didn't, I would have gone to Universal.
The upside was that the line moves fast, in terms of wait time for food it's super quick, and in general, it’s a very efficient and clean restaurant that knows what it’s doing.
This is all fine and dandy, and despite my feuds with the environment of the place, what really bugged me was the food and its price tag. A double cheeseburger here is 11 dollars, not for a combo or anything, just the burger…womp womp. It was not a very good burger, something probably important to mention.The burger bun was soft and pillowy, but I found the patty to be super thin, not a good smash burger, and oversalted. I would also like to point out that the grilled onions were nowhere to be found, another unhelpful addition.
However, the tipping point for me was the basket of disappointment I was served that they called fries. They were thin, but not in a cool shoestring potato way, more like freezer fries. The real downside with a thin fry like this is that, after you’ve had a couple of crispy french fries, gone to eat your burger, then come back, they are completely cold and feel like you're gnawing through cardboard. The fries were well seasoned, I'll give them that, but too starchy, further contributing to their cardboard-y texture.
Me and Jonah, agreed on this one in our ranking, though the extremity I had in my dislike of the whole place was only really shared when we talked about their dreadful fries. We also agreed on the overpriced food. Jonah, however, took his burger rankings very seriously and judged each establishment based on a variety of specific aspects by which he could determine the overall quality of said burger joint. Here is how the “Jonah Scale” ranked Heavy Handed:
TRUE TOTAL: 6.3
In-N-Out
In-N-Out is the odds-on favorite in terms of familiarity here, what with it being an extremely popular institution. To remain journalistic, however, we committed ourselves to judge their establishment and food, not their reputation or public opinion. The lines move quickly, the service is good, and it’s a well-themed restaurant. However, what is most remarkable here are their prices. It'll cost you $5.25 for a double cheeseburger, and a mighty good one at thatl. Almost everything about this burger is above average (which is awesome when considering how many locations they have (387).) The patties are of a perfect thickness, all the ingredients taste fresh (impressive when considering that In-N-Out is a chain), and they make a mean secret sauce.
However, not everything about In N Out is sunshine and rainbows, as I am a firm hater of their “french fries.” I mean seriously, they are terrible. They're way too starchy, and soggy in all the wrong ways. if your eyes were closed and someone fed you one of these, you would think you were eating little slivers of sandy styrofoam or a dried-out old dirty sponge. My method for not growing angry over this abomination is to simply not order them, and get a shake instead, then just pretend like I don't want some fries for dippage.
Once again, me and Jonah shared some common ground over bad fries, truly uniting our causes. However, I think we both agree on almost every aspect when it comes to this place. I mean to be fair it's pretty hard to complain with prices that low, all they had to have was an above mediocre burger, and they delivered. However, Jonah’s ranking will spare no mercy and tell all truths:
TOTAL: 5.2 (harsh man!)
IDK Jonah I like this one!
The Win-dow at American Beauty
The Win-dow would have to be my top pick from our list of contenders. In the graveled courtyard plays good music, and the design of this joint is super mellow and casual. Overall this place has the best design language (in my opinion) while being pretty efficient, though the laid-backness of the location does cause a bit of a wait (not longer than In-N-Out, it should be noted) A burger here is 4.25 for a single, which is pretty good, and financially allows me to indulge in my favorite way of burger eating- eating many, one after another, in installments, with multiple trips to the counter to order.
Now, The Win-dow wouldn't be my favorite if they didn't make a really good burger, and well, they do. The bun is perfectly soft, the burger patty is perfectly charred, nice, and thick, and their grilled onions are flavorful. Compared to others, this is a smaller burger, but still a lot of bang for ya buck. In fact, the buckage to bangness ratio is so fantastic I can hardly believe this place exists not just in LA, but specifically on the Westside.
The fries here, to me, are very, very good. They're perfectly crispy, obtaining the proper mushiness and texture of a good fry, and perfectly salted as well, though I know Jonah begs to disagree:
He’s really not fooling around I guess…
TRUE TOTAL: 6.9
HiHo
HiHo was, by a good margin, our only competition for The Win-dow’s burger. Listen… the burger this place serves is truly insane, featuring a delicious juicy, and flavorful wagyu patty on a mustard grilled bun, with shredded lettuce, grilled onions, and sweet pickles (which Jonah, wrongly, doesn't like.) The burger is very peppery and is served with a smear of ketchup, an addition not shared with the other establishments. Overall, the burger is insanely good and sports a price tag of 9.95, which is not too steep when you consider the quality ingredients it's made with.
Their thicker-cut fries are also good, though I still prefer The Win-dow’s. And, in our shared opinion, the atmosphere at HiHo is the least inspiring. Something we should also mark them down for was the music playing, which was really corporate, really bad, and really annoying. They do let you put peanut butter in your shake, however, which I later discovered, and will be trying.
Through Jonah's ratings, we see that their specialty is really just their burger, which, as mentioned, is insane. Here’s what Jonah thought:
TOTAL: 6.3
February 2024
